Saturday, November 19, 2016

Not unwatched

Hieronymus Bosh (1450-1516) "The Cure of Folly (Extraction of the Stone of Madness)"
Source: http://www.wga.hu/index1.html

Madness in great ones must not unwatched go.
Hamlet Act III, scene 1
It's sometimes said that English has the largest vocabulary of any language.

It isn't true (or perhaps it kind of is, in a way, sort of, but no, not really), and it isn't actually possible to make that kind of statement:
"The simplest problem is inflection. Do we count 'run,' 'runs' and 'ran' as separate? The next problem is multiple meanings. 'Run' the verb and 'run' the noun: one or two? What about 'run' as in the long run of a play on Broadway? Different enough from a jog around the park for its own entry? Different enough from a run in cricket?

"Are the names of new chemical compounds, which could be virtually infinite, words? What role does mere orthographic convention play? Is 'home run' two words, but 'homerun' (as it's often written) one? What sense does that make?  ... many languages habitually build long words from short ones. German is obvious; it is a trifle to coin a new compound word for a new situation, as mentioned here. Are compounds new words? Is the German Unabhängigkeitserklärung, 'declaration of independence,' one word? It's certainly written that way in German" (Greene 2010).
Even if it doesn't have the largest imaginable vocabulary, English does have its delights. One is a gift for euphemisms.

Some of our best euphemisms are borrowed, of course. For example, "bite the dust" (or at least "lick the dust") is Biblical:
They that dwell in the wilderness shall bow before him; and his enemies shall lick the dust. (Psalms 72:9)
In case you're curious, the earliest known use of the exact phrase "bite the dust" dates back to 1748 in Tobias Smollett’s translation of “The Adventures of Gil Blas of Santillane," and it was made popular in Samuel Butler’s 1898 translation of Homer’s “The Iliad” (Cunard 2010).

But the fact that we've borrowed euphemisms doesn't mean we're not perfectly capable of devising our own. Some fairly recent examples:
  1. "Workforce imbalance correction" [fired]1
  2. "Courtesy call" [rudeness]1
  3. "Collateral damage" [deaths of civilians]1
  4. "Certified pre-owned" [used]1
  5. "Economical with the truth" [lying]1
  6. "Adult beverage" [alcohol]1
  7. "Assumed Room Temperature" [died]2
  8. "Spend More Time With My Family" [quit]2
  9. "Visually challenged" [blind]2
  10. "Normal involuntary attrition" [fired]2
What I'm specifically interested in right now are euphemisms for "stupid." I'm feeling an urgent need for terms or phrases that can be applied to individuals or groups who are spectacularly, willfully  stupid (or are in the process of doing spectacularly, willfully stupid things).

I've wandered the internet. Here are 100 examples I think may prove serviceable:
  1. A couple of eggs shy of a dozen.
  2. A few ants short of a picnic.
  3. A few beers short of a six-pack.
  4. A few bricks short of a load
  5. A few cards short of a deck.
  6. A few clowns short of a circus
  7. A few feathers short of a whole duck
  8. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
  9. A few gallons short of a full tank.
  10. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
  11. A few trucks short of a convoy.
  12. A pepperoni short of a pizza.
  13. About as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
  14. All foam, no beer
  15. An experiment in artificial stupidity
  16. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
  17. As bright as a burnt-out light bulb.
  18. As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
  19. As quick as a tortoise on Prozac.
  20. Away with the fairies
  21. Bright as Alaska in December.
  22. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
  23. Crazy as a betsy bug.
  24. Crazy as a peach-orchard boar.
  25. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
  26. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
  27. Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
  28. Dumb as a corn cob.
  29. Dumb as a stump.
  30. Dumber than a bag of rocks.
  31. Five cans short of a six-pack
  32. Forgot to pay his brain bill
  33. Four quarters short of a dollar
  34. Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons.
  35. Got a brain like a BB in a boxcar
  36. Got a leak in his think-tank.
  37. Hasn't got the sense God gave a goose.
  38. Hasn't got the sense God gave gravel.
  39. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
  40. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
  41. His porch light isn't on.
  42. If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
  43. If brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.
  44. If brains were leather, he wouldn't have enough to saddle a junebug.
  45. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
  46. If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous.
  47. If stupid were a talent, he'd be considered gifted.
  48. If that boy had an idea, it would die of loneliness.
  49. Isn’t firing on all thrusters.
  50. Like a pair of children’s scissors -- bright and colorful, but not too sharp.
  51. Mad as a monkey on a trike
  52. Mind in neutral, mouth in gear.
  53. Mind like a rubber bear trap.
  54. Mind like a steel sieve.
  55. No grain in the silo
  56. Not firing on all cylinders
  57. Not playing with a full deck
  58. Not the brightest light in the harbor.
  59. Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
  60. Not the sharpest crayon in the box.
  61. Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
  62. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  63. Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
  64. Not tied too tight to the pier.
  65. Nuttier than a fruitcake
  66. Nuttier than a pecan pie
  67. One Fruit Loop shy of a bowl.
  68. One taco short of a combination plate
  69. One turbine short of an airplane.
  70. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
  71. Only got one oar in the water.
  72. Played too much without a helmet.
  73. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  74. Receiver is off the hook
  75. Room temperature IQ.
  76. Running about a quart low.
  77. Running on empty.
  78. Several nuts short of a full pouch
  79. Sharp as a bowling ball.
  80. Smart as bait.
  81. So dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
  82. So dumb, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.
  83. So dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart.
  84. Someone turned the lights out in the penthouse.
  85. Spinning crop circles
  86. Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
  87. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
  88. The cheese has slipped off his cracker.
  89. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
  90. The elevator's stuck between floors.
  91. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
  92. The switch is stuck in the off position.
  93. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
  94. Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.
  95. Too much yardage between the goalposts
  96. Two hubcaps short of a Buick.
  97. Useful as a fur-lined sink.
  98. Useful as a screen door on a submarine.
  99. Useful as a wooden frying pan.
  100. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
You'll note that many of these can do double duty -- they can be used to describe someone as stupid or crazy. Or both!

I have a feeling having a portfolio (so to speak) of phrases like these may prove very useful over the next few years.

Notes

1 Van Zanten, Johanna. 2011.
2 Euphemismlist. 2013.

References

Cunard, Corinne. 2010. The origins of "Another one bites the dust." Spotlight. The Daily Bruin, November 20, 2010. Online: https://dailybruin.com/2010/10/15/the_origins_of_another_one_bites_the_dust_/

Euphemismlist. 2013. Terminology Media. Online: http://www.euphemismlist.com/

Greene, Robert Lane. 2010. The Biggest Vocabulary? Johnson. The Economist. Online: http://www.economist.com/blogs/johnson/2010/06/counting_words

Van Zanten, Johanna. 2011. 20 Examples of Great Euphemisms. Boomer Lit Author and Reviewer. Online: https://lynnschneiderbooks.com/2011/12/23/20-examples-of-great-euphemisms/

Miscellaneous Blogs
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060907124005AAnFhKr
http://wordfreaks.tribe.net/thread/4687c659-7d18-4a5a-b47f-0a1047e16279
https://www.yelp.com/topic/oakland-other-ways-to-say-someone-is-crazy
http://onlineslangdictionary.com/thesaurus/words+meaning+crazy,+insane,+weird,+strange+person.html
http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/crazy
https://wanderwisdom.com/travel-destinations/Funny-Southern-Sayings-and-Southern-Expressions
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-some-euphemisms-for-being-crazy.htm#didyouknowout
http://drsanity.blogspot.com/2005/01/synonyms-and-idioms-for-crazy.html
http://www.kaitaia.com/jokes/Funny_Lists/Funny_Lists67.htm

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