Wednesday, May 31, 2017

The blossom is blighted, the leaf is withered

"Beggar Boy," Master of the Blue Jeans (1680-1700)
http://www.wga.hu/frames-e.html?/html/m/master/bluejean/index.html


Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery. The blossom is blighted, the leaf is withered, the god of day goes down upon the dreary scene, and—and in short you are for ever floored. As I am!

Charles Dickens (1812-1870), David Copperfield, Chapter 12. Online: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/766/766-h/766-h.htm


Let's think about the word context.

Context: The part or parts of something written or printed, as of
Scripture, which precede or follow a text or quoted sentence, or are
so intimately associated with it as to throw light upon its meaning.

Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, Release Date: August 22, 2009 [EBook #29765] Produced by Graham Lawrence. The Project Gutenberg EBook of Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, by Various

Facts are crucial. But context is what makes facts make actual sense. If I said "That ship can carry 5,000 containers," I have stated something completely factual. But without context you're left struggling. Is 5,000 a lot? Is it weirdly small? If you don't have context, you just don't know.1

In the political realm one item you see frequently are headlines blaring "State has $500 million budget shortfall!" or the like. Which is factual. But without context, you have no earthly idea if this is big or small or what.

So let's get some context. Your friend and mine, Wikipedia (source of all wisdom) has a very nice table of US state budgets.2

StateBudget (billions $)FY
Alabama28.52014
Alaska9.52016
Arizona32.62016
Arkansas37.52015
California2472016-17
Colorado26.42015-16
Connecticut19.82016
Delaware4.72016
Florida77.12014-15
Georgia20.82015
Hawaii12.92016
Idaho6.92016
Illinois87.42015
Indiana15.42016
Iowa8.22015
Kansas15.42015
Kentucky662014-16
Louisiana29.12015
Maine8.12014-15
Maryland40.42015
Massachusetts36.52015
Michigan53.22015
Minnesota71.32014-15
Mississippi6.12015
Missouri272015
Montana10.92014-15
Nebraska9.72014-15
Nevada92014-15
New Hampshire5.42015
New Jersey32.52015
New Mexico152015
New York1422015-16
North Carolina41.22014-15
North Dakota6.92013-15
Ohio31.72015
Oklahoma7.22015
Oregon62.72013-15
Pennsylvania292014-15
Rhode Island8.82015
South Carolina23.62014-15
South Dakota4.32015
Tennessee32.62014-15
Texas99.72015
Utah13.52015
Vermont3.62015
Virginia472015
Washington83.42013-15
West Virginia12.22015
Wisconsin70.42013-15
Wyoming9.32015-16


So now we have some facts. Let's look at a few recent headlines. Let's start with an unusual story, one that actually provides context:


So a 4% shortfall is "enormous" in Pennsylvania. Got it. And now let's look at some more typical context-free news stories.

Arkansas:

Kansas:

Kentucky:

Ohio:


Oregon;

I'm not going to devote time to finding every shortfall story that's been published in the last year or two. Fortunately, I don't have to. The website Multistate (https://www.multistate.us/) recently published one of their periodic lists of state budget deficits. It's not complete, and for a number of states there aren't any figures (they know there's a deficit, they just don't know how much yet). But I think these constitute a reasonable sample.

StateFYBudget (billions $)DEFICIT 2017Proportion
Alabama201428.50.10.35%
Alaska20169.5????
Arizona201632.6ndnd
Arkansas201537.5ndnd
California2016-17247ndnd
Colorado2015-1626.40.1190.45%
Connecticut201619.81.57.58%
Delaware20164.70.357.45%
Florida2014-1577.1ndnd
Georgia201520.8ndnd
Hawaii201612.9ndnd
Idaho20166.9ndnd
Illinois201587.4????
Indiana201615.40.3782.45%
Iowa20158.20.1321.61%
Kansas201515.40.3492.27%
Kentucky2014-1666ndnd
Louisiana201529.10.62.06%
Maine2014-158.1ndnd
Maryland201540.40.2250.56%
Massachusetts201536.50.2950.81%
Michigan201553.2ndnd
Minnesota2014-1571.3ndnd
Mississippi20156.10.1953.20%
Missouri2015270.31.11%
Montana2014-1510.9????
Nebraska2014-159.71.212.37%
Nevada2014-159ndnd
New Hampshire20155.4ndnd
New Jersey201532.5ndnd
New Mexico2015150.4583.05%
New York2015-161422.11.48%
North Carolina2014-1541.2ndnd
North Dakota2013-156.90.314.49%
Ohio201531.7ndnd
Oklahoma20157.21.318.06%
Oregon2013-1562.71.72.71%
Pennsylvania2014-15290.62.07%
Rhode Island20158.80.1121.27%
South Carolina2014-1523.6ndnd
South Dakota20154.3????
Tennessee2014-1532.6ndnd
Texas201599.7????
Utah201513.5ndnd
Vermont20153.60.7520.83%
Virginia2015470.8611.83%
Washington2013-1583.4????
West Virginia201512.20.1651.35%
Wisconsin2013-1570.40.6930.98%
Wyoming2015-169.30.1561.68%

And that's what I call "context." Oregon has a $1.7 billion deficit -- but that's less than 3% of their budget. Oklahoma has a $1.3 billion deficit -- and that's a whopping 18%. New York has the largest deficit of all, $2.1 billion -- but that's less than 1.5%. Wyoming's deficit is only $156 million (just 1/14th New York's), but that constitutes 1.68% of its budget (significantly more than New York's).

I've gotten tired of a lot of the media recently. Telling "The Truth" without explaining "The Truth" isn't truth. It may not quite be a lie, but it's in the ballpark.

Notes

1 If you care, modern container ships can carry more than 19,000 20-foot container equivalents (TEU); as of 2017 the largest container ship in the world is the Madrid Maersk, with a capacity of 20,568 twenty-foot container equivalents. So 5,000 is respectable, but not (by modern standards) impressive.

2 Some of these are a bit out of date, and some are two year budgets, but they're the best I can find, and rather than spend hours searching for more up-to-date data, I'm just going to go with what's easily available.


References

Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_U.S._state_budgets
Multistate: https://www.multistate.us/

Arkansas: https://www.arktimes.com/ArkansasBlog/archives/2017/04/28/governor-announces-70-million-budget-cut-to-meet-tax-revenue-shortfall
Kansas: http://www.kansas.com/news/politics-government/article143237354.html
Kansas: http://www.gctelegram.com/news/state/state-s-new-tax-projections-trim-budget-shortfall-to-million/article_95562c19-ae13-532b-9052-7bf44f3c5fab.html
Kentucky: http://www.wkdzradio.com/State-Could-See-Budget-Shortfall/23069883
Ohio: http://www.cleveland.com/opinion/index.ssf/2017/04/ohio_gov_john_kasich_may_be_at.html
Oregon: http://www.kgw.com/news/verify-oregons-state-budget-deficit/433190916
Pennsylvania: http://www.philly.com/philly/news/pennsylvania/20170502_ap_828cb8bcf688465daff842b873b8b880.html
Virginia: http://www.richmondregister.com/news/officials-predicting-budget-shortfall/article_be03b8cc-2f8c-11e7-901f-63e189bfe3c0.html








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Sunday, May 28, 2017

All on the line

A Border Tower, by Samuel Bough (1822-1878)
Source: http://www.wga.hu/index1.html


When she loves me I know she's all mine
When my baby loves me she lays it all on the line.

George Strait, "She Lays It All On The Line," from the album Easy Come, Easy Go (1993). Written by Aaron Barker and Dean Dillon.


This is just a brief update (plus a discovery of a neat website I wanted to share).

On February 22, 2017 I posted on (among other things) the subject of US towns named "state line" or "stateline" (http://osborn.asenseofwander.com/2017/02/theres-strangeness-in-air-you-feel-too.html). I found just one dozen.

Brace yourself. There Is Another.1

Actually there are several more. Seven more, to be exact.

I found an interesting (and kind of enigmatic) website. It's called Geotargit (http://us.geotargit.com/index.php). It' seems to be a front-end for various geographic databases. If I sound uncertain, that's because I am. The sitemap is empty, and while there is a contact link, it's a form and doesn't display an email address.

You can link from Geotargit to Google Flights (you can also connect directly: https://www.google.com/flights/), you can search for hotels, and they have some neat lists of places named after food or after people.

But I think one part of Geotargit is really interesting: you can search for a list of all the cities of the world by name. I'm not certain what databases they're searching, but the results are impressive

Back in February, using grit and determination, I found 12 "Statelines" or "State Lines." Geotargit, in microseconds, found 13 "State Lines." And then three more "Statelines."

That's right. It beat me. I admit it freely. And I'm not resentful AT ALL.

Here are the 12 I found:
  1. Stateline, CA (near Lake Tahoe) [38.958333, -119.943889] 
  2. State Line, ID (on the Washington border) [47.705, -117.038056]
  3. State Line, IN (on the Illinois border) [39.436944, -87.529444]
  4. State Line City, IN (also on the Illinois border) [40.196667, -87.527222]
  5. State Line, IN (on the Michigan border) [41.758611, -86.250833]
  6. State Line, KY (on the Tennessee border) [36.510833, -89.120278]
  7. State Line, MS (on the Alabama border) [31.437778, -88.476111]
  8. Stateline, NV (on the California border) [38.970556, -119.945833]
  9. State Line, PA (on the Maryland border) [39.725, -78.7675]
  10. State Line, PA (also on the Maryland border) [39.7225,-77.724167]
  11. State Line, PA (on the New York border) [42.248737, -79.767510]
  12. State Line, SC (on the North Carolina border] [35.176667, -81.8]
This is Geotargit's list (sites not on my list are in bold):
  1. State Line AL - 31°00'03.0"N 85°24'14.0"W
  2. State Line AR - 33°03'05.0"N 93°32'20.0"W
  3. Stateline CA - 38°57'30.0"N 119°56'34.0"W2
  4. State Line IN - 40°11'50.0"N 87°31'37.0"W
  5. State Line LA - 30°58'50.0"N 89°57'01.0"W
  6. State Line MA - 42°20'52.0"N 73°24'35.0"W
  7. State Line MS - 31°26'10.0"N 88°28'28.0"W
  8. State Line NH - 42°43'05.0"N 72°05'02.0"W
  9. Stateline NV - 38°57'45.0"N 119°56'20.0"W
  10. State Line NY - 42°14'40.0"N 79°45'32.0"W
  11. State Line PA - 39°43'29.0"N 77°43'29.0"W
  12. State Line SC - 35°10'36.0"N 81°48'01.0"W
  13. State Line TN - 36°35'25.0"N 84°26'20.0"W
  14. State Line TX - 32°43'36.0"N 103°03'52.0"W
  15. State Line WI - 42°29'40.0"N 87°49'15.0"W

So, combining my poor (but honest) efforts with Geotargit's, this is my final list (Good Lord, I hope it's my final list):
  1. State Line, AL [ 31.00083333 -85.40388889]
  2. State Line, AR [33.05138889 -93.53888889]
  3. Stateline, CA [38.958333, -119.943889]2
  4. State Line, ID [47.705, -117.038056]
  5. State Line, IN [39.436944, -87.529444]
  6. State Line City, IN [40.196667, -87.527222]
  7. State Line, IN [41.758611, -86.250833]
  8. State Line, KY [36.510833, -89.120278]
  9. State Line, LA [30.98055556 -89.95027778]
  10. State Line, MA [42.34777778 -73.40972222]
  11. State Line, MS [31.437778, -88.476111]
  12. State Line, NH [42.71805556 -72.08388889]
  13. Stateline, NV [38.970556, -119.945833]
  14. State Line, PA [39.725, -78.7675]
  15. State Line, PA [39.7225,-77.724167]
  16. State Line, PA [42.248737, -79.767510]
  17. State Line, SC [35.176667, -81.8]
  18. State Line, TX [32.72666667 -103.06444444]
  19. State Line, WI [42.49444444 -87.82083333]
And that, with any kind of luck, is that!

Notes

1 This is a reference to Star Wars Episode VI: The Empire Strikes Back. If you didn't recognize this, you lose serious nerd points.

2 Abandoned.




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Saturday, April 15, 2017

Half so Precious

Paolo Antonio Barbieri (1603-1649), "The Spice Shop." Online: http://www.wga.hu/index1.html

 I wonder often what the Vintners buy
One half so precious as the stuff they sell.
Quatrain XCV

"Quotations from the quatrains of Khayyám, as translated in the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam," Fifth edition (1889) by Edward FitzGerald.
Online: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/246/246-h/246-h.htm

A few weeks ago I posted my analysis of what the recommended "basic" spices today were (see http://osborn.asenseofwander.com/2017/03/i-dont-need-anything-except-this.html).

This week I want to look at something rather different -- what are the most uncommon spices that are currently available for your spice cupboard?

There are different ways we could define "uncommon." We could use:
  1. Cost: Those spices which are extremely expensive (and uncommon because hardly anybody can buy them).
  2. Isolation: We could consider those spices which are only found in isolated or remote or unfamiliar places (or cuisines), and are therefore hard to get as "uncommon."
When it comes to costly spices, there is universal agreement: the most expensive spice, pound for pound, is saffron. In 2016 the price of saffron was estimated at $2,868 per kilo (see Telegraph 2016; see also Shirin 2017; Crossley 2014), which is very roughly comparable to CNN's estimate of $1,500 per pound in 2009 (The World's Priciest Foods 2009). Other expensive spices include high-quality pure vanilla (up to $200 per pound -- which is why artificial vanilla is popular) and cardamom ($30 per pound). But these spices aren't very hard to find (any well-stocked grocery store should have them), and though expensive they're usually used in very tiny quantities, and the per-meal cost (so to speak) isn't really all that bad. Cost just isn't a particularly good way to evaluate "uncommonness."

As for rarity based on isolation or limited distribution, that's potentially a bit better, but it has its problems.

It's obviously true that something that is only found in one place is rare everywhere else (kind of by definition). But in that one place it can be common as dirt. For example, do we really want to start thinking of something like filé powder (made from sassafras [Sassafras albidum]) -- a common, even essential ingredient in Cajun cuisine -- as rare merely because it isn't used (and would be hard to get) in other parts of the world?

Let's take a look at some examples of some possible candidates for "uncommonness":

Common NameSpeciesCuisine/RegionScent/FlavorUse
AlexandersSmyrnium olusatrumMediterranean, BritishMyrrhVegetable, seasoning
Anardana seedPunica granatumMiddle EastPomegranateSeasoning
Aniseed MyrtleSyzygium anisatumAustraliaAnise/licoriceSeasonging, essential oil
AvensGeum urbanumEurope, Middle EastClovesSeasoning, herbal medicine
Avocado LeafPersea americanaMexicoAniseSeasoning
BoldoPeumus boldusChileCamphor/bay leafSeasoning, herbal medicine
ClarySalvia sclareaMediterraneanResinSeasoning, herbal medicine
Cubeb PepperPiper cubebaJava, SumatraPepperSeasoning, herbal medicine
CulantroEryngium foetidumMexico, CaribbeanCilantro (strong)Seasoning
Dorrigo PepperTasmannia stipitataAustraliaCinnamon-pepperSeasoning
GolparHeracleum persicumIranAniseSeasoning
Grains of SelimXylopia aethiopicaWest AfricaMusky pepperSeasoning
HuacatayTagetes minutaMexicoAppleSeasoning
Isot PepperCapsicum annuum TurkeyRaisin-chile pepperSeasoning
JimbuAllium hypsistumNepalOnionSeasoning
Kinh Giới Elsholtzia ciliataVietnamMint-BasilSeasoning
KokamGarcinia indicaIndiaTamarindSeasoning, herbal medicine
Lemon MyrtleBackhousia citriodoraAustraliaLemonSeasoning, herbal medicine
MahlabPrunus mahaleb Middle EastAlmond-cherrySeasoning
Mt. HoropitoPseudowintera colorataNew ZealandPeppery-chileSeasoning, herbal medicine
Ngò ômLimnophila aromaticaVietnamLemon-cuminSeasoning, aquariums
NjangsaRicinodendron heudelotiWest AfricaPeppery-sweetSeasoning, vegetable
Pandan LeafPandanus amaryllifoliusSouth & Southeast AsiaNutty-sweetSeasoning
Strawberry gumEucalyptus olidaAustraliaCinnamonSeasoning, herbal medicine
VoatsiperiferyPiper borbonenseMadagascarEarthy/pepperySeasoning
ZedoaryCurcuma zedoariaIndiaMango/bitter gingerSeasoning

(links to articles on all of these are located at the end of this posting)

So here we have 26 spices/herbs that are almost certainly not in your spice cabinet.

But are they really -- by either of our criteria -- "uncommon?"

Some of these are hard (or impossible) to get. For instance, unless you're in Australia, you're just not going to be able to find Strawberry Gum leaves (the essential oil, yes, but not the dried spice). Unless you're in Nepal you probably can't get Jimbu. You might try your nearest South Asian market, but honestly I doubt it's going to be there. And it's not a matter of cost. Some of these things are just not obtainable outside their homeland.

On the other hand, some of these -- despite the fact that they're "uncommon" -- are both available and relatively inexpensive. For instance, 50 grams of Zedoary are less than $3.00*;  200 grams of Kokam are about $12.00**; 0.25 ounces of Avocado Leaves are just $7.00***. They're still not exactly common -- but they are obtainable.

Is it worth going to the effort of buying these things? Well, that's kind of a personal issue. Remember, nobody actually needs spices and herbs -- we just want them. And we want them a lot. As I remarked a few months back**** "Spices make us happy." Which is why people have fought wars over them:
"Atrocities would be freely committed, wars fitfully fought, states toppled, peoples uprooted, hundreds of ships lost, thousands of lives squandered -- and all for limited quantities of various desiccated barks, shriveled berries, knobbly roots, dead buds, crumpled membranes, sticky gums and old fruit stones, none of them exactly indispensable and most of them quite irrelevant to the generality of mankind" (Keay 2006, pp. 5-6)
But they do make us happy.

Personally, I'm kind of intrigued by Anardana, Kinh Giới, and Njangsa. I actually did buy Mahlab, but I haven't done anything with it yet. But I will. It smells nice.

As for the others? Well, I guess we'll see.

I don't intend to commit atrocities or start any wars to get them. But we'll see.

Notes

* https://www.etsy.com/listing/278233326/kachur-sugandhi-zedoary-root-white?&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_e-home_and_living-food_and_drink-herbs_and_spices_and_seasonings&utm_custom1=056ee1ea-4aa1-46c1-beb6-ae94fb7202a0&gclid=CPjm7qajqNMCFVu2wAodVlYPeg

** https://organicgroceryusa.com/healthy-alternatives-premium-staples-kokam-lonavala.html?gclid=CMvz5OijqNMCFc64wAodNagMUA

*** https://www.walmart.com/ip/El-Guapo-Avocado-Leaves-0-25-ounce-Herbal-Tea-Healthy-Face-Hair-Nail/186260225?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=4604&adid=22222222227054577543&wmlspartner=wmtlabs&wl0=&wl1=g&wl2=c&wl3=155549114357&wl4=pla-266676642951&wl5=9031273&wl6=&wl7=&wl8=&wl9=pla&wl10=113548630&wl11=online&wl12=186260225&wl13=&veh=sem

**** "Flames Will Consume," Online: http://osborn.asenseofwander.com/2016/07/flames-will-consume.html

References

Camas, Joanne. 2014. Rare And Banned Spices, And How To Tell If Your Spices Have Expired. The Epicurious Blog. Online: http://www.epicurious.com/archive/blogs/editor/2014/09/are-there-some-common-spices-that-have-a-very-short-shelf-life-what-lasts-the-longest-the-shelf-life-of-a-spice-is-deter.html

Crossley, Lucy. 2014. How an ounce of saffron is more expensive than gold: Cultivation of exotic spice returns to Essex for the first time in 200 years. Daily Mail Online: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2823029/How-ounce-saffron-expensive-gold-Cultivation-exotic-spice-returns-Essex-time-200-years.html

Falkowitz, Max. 2017. Spice Hunting: Anardana, Dried Pomegranate Seeds. Online:
http://www.seriouseats.com/2010/09/spice-hunting-anardana-dried-pomegranate-seeds-how-to-use.html

Falkowitz, Max. 2017. Spice Hunting: Urfa Biber.
Online: http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2011/10/eggplant-with-urfa-biber-yogurt-sauce-recipe.html

Jaafari, Shirin. 2017. Could the world's most expensive spice help farmers in Vermont? The World. Online: https://www.pri.org/stories/2017-01-04/could-worlds-most-expensive-spice-help-farmers-vermont

Keay, John. 2006. The Spice Route: A History. California Studies in Food and Cuisine, Darra Goldstein ed. Berkeley and Los Angeles: University of California Press.

The Telegraph. 2016. Vanilla prices soar on global shortage: here are the other nine most expensive spices in the world. Online: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2016/04/11/vanilla-prices-soar-on-global-shortage-here-are-the-other-nine-m/

The World's Priciest Foods. 2008. Online: http://money.cnn.com/galleries/2008/fsb/0807/gallery.most_expensive_foods.fsb/index.html

Cantor-Nevis, Judy. 2011. 5 Exotic Spices Worth Hunting For.  Food Republic.  Online: http://www.foodrepublic.com/2011/08/16/5-exotic-spices-worth-hunting-for/

These Are the Most Expensive Spices in the World! 2017. ALUX. Online: https://www.alux.com/most-expensive-spices-in-the-world/

Links to spice-related articles

Alexanders: http://www.fao.org/docrep/t0646e/T0646E0u.htm
Anardana seed: http://www.cooksinfo.com/anardana
Aniseed myrtle: http://bie.ala.org.au/species/http://id.biodiversity.org.au/node/apni/2895321
Avens: http://www.wildfooduk.com/hedgerow-food-guide/wood-avens-1-hedgerow/
Avocado leaf: https://flavorsofthesun.blogspot.com/2008/02/avocado-leaves-secret-mexican.html
Boldo: https://zoom50.wordpress.com/2011/11/06/baldinaboldo-leavespeumus-boldus-molina/; see also Wright, Clifford A. 2010. The Best Soups in the World. Hoboken NJ: John Wiley & Sons.
Clary: http://www.tulipsinthewoods.com/flowering-plants/salvia-sclarea-clary-sage/
Cubeb: http://www.greatbritishchefs.com/how-to-cook/how-to-use-cubeb-pepper
Culantro: https://zoom50.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/culantromexican-coriandereryngium-foetidum/
Dorrigo pepper: http://tasteaustralia.biz/bushfood/mountain-pepper/
Golpar: http://www.cabi.org/isc/datasheet/120209
Grains of Selim: http://tropical.theferns.info/viewtropical.php?id=Xylopia+aethiopica
Huacatay: http://www.pfaf.org/user/Plant.aspx?LatinName=Tagetes+minuta
Isot pepper: http://blog.foodpairing.com/2017/04/turkish-spice-urfa-biber/
Jimbu: http://veggiesinfo.com/jimbu-various-uses-nutrition-guide/
Lemon myrtle: http://theepicentre.com/spice/lemon-myrtle/
Mahlab: http://www.seriouseats.com/2010/09/spice-hunting-mahlab-mahleb-mahlepi.html
Mountain Horopito: https://herbsfromdistantlands.blogspot.com/2013/12/pseudowintera-colorata-horpito-new.html
Ngò ôm: http://gernot-katzers-spice-pages.com/engl/Limn_aro.html

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Wednesday, March 1, 2017

I don’t need anything except this

Joachim Beuckelaer (1533-1574). "The Well Stocked Kitchen" Source: http://www.wga.hu/index1.html

"And that’s it and that’s the only thing I need, is this. I don’t need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that’s all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that’s all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that’s all I need. And that’s all I need too. I don’t need one other thing, not one – I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that’s all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair."

"The Jerk" (1979). Written by Steve Martin, Carl Gottlieb and Michael Elias. Source: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079367/quotes


Kevin Carter, at the website "Savoring the Past" wrote that:

"we decided to dig through a collection of 18th and early 19th century cookbooks to see which spices were mentioned. We also took one of the more recognized books and looked at the frequency by which the spices appear in the recipes" (Carter 2012).

The 31 spices (and herbs) that were commonly mentioned in those cookbooks were (in alphabetical order):
  1. Allspice
  2. Anise
  3. Basil
  4. Bay leaf
  5. Black Pepper
  6. Caraway
  7. Cayenne
  8. Chives
  9. Cinnamon
  10. Cloves
  11. Coriander
  12. Fennel
  13. Garlic
  14. Ginger
  15. Horseradish
  16. Lemon Zest
  17. Mace
  18. Marigold Blossoms
  19. Marjoram
  20. Mint
  21. Mustard
  22. Nutmeg
  23. Parsley
  24. Rosemary
  25. Sage
  26. Savory
  27. Sorrel
  28. Tarragon
  29. Thyme
  30. Turmeric
  31. White Pepper
This is an interesting collection. It's not too different from what we'd expect to see in a modern spice cupboard (although marigold blossoms are a bit of a surprise). Some are a trifle uncommon: Savory (either winter savory [Satureja montana] or summer savory [Satureja hortensis]), and sorrel (Rumex acetosa) aren't exactly unknown, but I've never actually seen a recipe that called for them. And while mace isn't all that rare, it's much more common today to use nutmeg than the extremely expensive mace.

This list got me to wondering: what constitutes a basic, decent spice cupboard today? What are the essential seasonings (herbs and spices) that a good cook really ought to have?

So I decided to go to the internet, where all knowledge can be found.

And found confusion.

I perused 15 different websites, some well known, some not.1 All of them made suggestions about what constitutes a good, basic collection of spices (and herbs, and spice blends).2

Here are the results:

Spices1BA1RS1MY1CR1PR1PW1PP1GR1VG1SP1FN2SP1JO2FN1FD
Adobo
*
Aleppo Pepper*
Allspice*********
Anise*
Annato*
Apple Pie Blend*
Arrowroot**
Basil********
Bayleaf**********
Black Pepper*************
Cajun Seasoning**
Cardamom*****
Cayenne************
Celery Seed**
Chili Powder**********
Cilantro*
Cinnamon***************
Cloves**********
Coriander*******
Cream of Tartar***
Cumin***************
Curry Powder************
Dill Weed****
Epazote*
Fennel****
Fenugreek*
Filé Powder*
Five Spice Powder***
Garam Masala**
Garlic Powder*********
Ginger***************
Grains of Paradise*
Herbes de Provence*
Italian Seasoning*
Marjoram*
Mint**
Mustard******
Nutmeg***********
Onion Powder******
Oregano**************
Paprika*************
Parsley**
Piment d'Esplette*
Poppy Seed*
Ras el Hanout*
Red Pepper Flake**********
Rosemary**********
Saffron**
Sage*****
Sambar Powder*
Sesame***
Star Anise**
Szechuan Peppercorn
Tarragon****
Thyme************
Turmeric********
Vanilla*****
Zahtar*


Some of these "basic" spices (or herbs, or spice blends) are a bit ... surprising. I have absolutely nothing against adobo, annato, apple pie spice blend, Cajun seasoning, filé powder, grains of paradise, herbes de Provence, Piment d'Esplette (I couldn't possibly have anything against this one, since I've never heard of it before; apparently it's Basque), Ras el Hanout (I love Ras el Hanout), sambar powder (a south Indian spice blend) or Szechuan peppercorns. But unless you're cooking for a pretty unusual crowd, I would never suggest these are "basic" spices.

So, ignoring these idiosyncratic suggestions -- what are the spices (or herbs or spice blends) that seem to be"basic" or essential in the kitchen today?

Here, sorted by the number of recommendations (out of a possible 15), are the results (note that I'm excluding those spices/herbs/blends that had only a single recommendation from this list):
  1. Cinnamon (15)
  2. Cumin (15)
  3. Ginger (15)
  4. Oregano (14)
  5. Black Pepper (13)
  6. Paprika (13)
  7. Cayenne (12)
  8. Curry Powder (12)
  9. Thyme (12)
  10. Nutmeg (11)
  11. Bayleaf (10)
  12. Chili Powder (10)
  13. Cloves (10)
  14. Red Pepper Flake (10)
  15. Rosemary (10)
  16. Allspice (9)
  17. Garlic Powder (9)
  18. Basil (8)
  19. Turmeric (8)
  20. Coriander (7)
  21. Mustard (6)
  22. Onion Powder (6)
  23. Cardamom (5)
  24. Sage (5)
  25. Vanilla (5)3
  26. Dill Weed (4)
  27. Fennel (4)
  28. Tarragon (4)
  29. Cream of Tartar (3)
  30. Five Spice Powder (3)
  31. Sesame (3)
  32. Arrowroot (2)
  33. Cajun Seasoning (2)
  34. Celery Seed (2)
  35. Garam Masala (2)
  36. Mint (2)
  37. Parsley (2)
  38. Saffron (2)
  39. Star Anise (2)
I wasn't surprised at most of the top spices here. Cinnamon, cumin and ginger are just about everybody's favorites (wars have been fought over cinnamon). I did think it was a little odd that black pepper came in fifth, after oregano, but it's possible some authors just assumed that anybody with functional taste buds already has black pepper. I was interested to see Cayenne pepper ranking as high as it did, and slightly surprised that curry powder was in the top ten -- and chili powder wasn't.

All in all, I'd say the top 25 spices (herbs, blends) listed here are a pretty good picture of what most cooks think you ought to have.

Of course, everybody is going to have their own opinions on these matters. I would be sad if I didn't have my New Mexico ground chile, my ground chipotle, and my adobo, but that's me. Your mileage will definitely vary.

Oh, and I think it would perfectly fine to just skip the turmeric.

Really, I think it would okay.

Really, really okay.

Notes

1 Quite a number of these websites mentioned salt as essential in the kitchen. They're right, of course. But if you genuinely aren't aware that salt is essential to decent food (not to mention life itself), you have far greater problems than trying to figure out what herbs and spices you should have in your cupboard.

2 Honesty compels me to note that I have streamlined things a bit. Some websites suggested you need both ground cinnamon and stick cinnamon. Several recommended smoked paprika, rather than regular sweet paprika. One actually recommended Vietnamese cinnamon (Cinnamomum loureiroi) over Ceylon cinnamon (Cinnamomum verum) -- a position I do not endorse. But in general this will give you a good idea of what 15 different authors recommend you have in your spice cabinet.

3 Vanilla isn't a spice, herb, or blend; it's an extract. Our friends at Wikipedia define an extract as "a substance made by extracting a part of a raw material, often by using a solvent such as ethanol or water." Real (as opposed to artificial) vanilla extract "is made by macerating and percolating vanilla pods in a solution of ethyl alcohol and water. In the United States, in order for a vanilla extract to be called pure, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration requires that the solution contains a minimum of 35% alcohol and 100g of vanilla beans per litre." Nevertheless, enough websites emphasized its importance as a "basic spice" I felt compelled to include it.

References

Carter, Kevin. 2012. Spices in the 18th Century English Kitchen. Online: https://savoringthepast.net/2012/11/15/spices-in-the-18th-century-english-kitchen/

Websites included in this survey:
1BA: http://www.bonappetit.com/uncategorized/article/must-have-spices-for-your-kitchen
1RS: http://www.realsimple.com/food-recipes/shopping-storing/herbs-spices/basic-spice-checklist
1MY: http://www.mydomaine.com/best-spices/
1CR: https://www.craftsy.com/blog/2016/02/list-of-essential-spices/
1PR: http://www.prevention.com/eatclean/15-herbs-and-spices-every-kitchen-should-have
1PW: http://thepioneerwoman.com/food-and-friends/how-to-stock-a-basic-spice-cabinet/
1PP: http://www.theperfectpantry.com/2009/06/spice-list-the-perfect-pantry-turns-3.html
1GR: http://greatist.com/eat/must-have-spices
1VG: http://www.vegan-magazine.com/2017/02/20/top-25-spices-every-kitchen-must-have/
1SP: http://www.spicesinc.com/p-477-top-25-spices-every-kitchen-must-have.aspx
1FN: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/articles/basic-pantry-101
2SP: https://www.thespruce.com/herbs-and-spices-for-your-pantry-1808018
1JO: http://www.jamieoliver.com/news-and-features/features/basic-store-cupboard-essentials-for-families/
2FN: http://www.foodnetwork.ca/kitchen-basics/photos/fifteen-must-have-kitchen-spices/#!b0a816086a83b55e2c39c2fb545a0e3b
1FD: http://www.fooducate.com/app#!page=post&id=57A3503C-5A5C-2168-43C5-9ECD8A72063F
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Wednesday, February 22, 2017

There's a strangeness in the air you feel too well

J.M.W. Turner (1775-1851) "Snow Storm: Steam-Boat off a Harbour's Mouth," 1842
Source: Web Gallery of Art (http://www.wga.hu/index1.html)

 Late last night the rain was knocking at my window
I moved across the darkened room and in the lampglow
I thought I saw down in the street
The spirit of the century
Telling us that we're all standing on the border

Al Stewart, "On the border," from the album The Year of the Cat (1976).

Let me tell you a story about a little town that changed its name.

Somewhere back in the 1920s (the town was never incorporated, so records are a little thin) there was a gas station and restaurant on the road to Las Vegas. It was owned and operated by Pete MacIntyre, and it was apparently called "Bordertown" because it was located on the border between California and Nevada. According to our friend Wikipedia Mr. MacIntyre wasn't making much of a living, so he started bootlegging.

Mr. MacIntyre -- who was widely known as "Whiskey Pete" -- died in 1933.  After that there seems to be some disagreement as to what happened.  According to Wikipedia ownership of the site seems to have passed to a Mr. Dale Hamilton who built a new gas station and put in a bar and some slot machines and called his place "STATE LINE BAR." According to the Las Vegas Sun it passed to Mr. Ernest Jay Primm who "added a 12-room hotel and tiny casino to the property, eventually developing it into the successful Whiskey Pete's hotel-casino" (Thompson 1996).

In any case, by the 1960s (if not earlier) the town was called "STATE LINE" (note that that's two words -- it's important). And everyone seemed content.

And then, in 1996, the name was changed to PRIMM, NEVADA.

Why? Because on the California-Nevada border, on the shores of Lake Tahoe, there's another town: STATELINE, NEVADA (note that that's one word). It was apparently decided (I have no idea who made the decision) that having two towns in the same state named STATE LINE and STATELINE was unacceptable. So one changed.

The odd thing is, this really doesn't seem to have been necessary. There are at least a dozen "STATELINES" in the United States; Indiana and Pennsylvania each have three, and nobody seems to be especially bothered.

According to Wikipedia we have:
  • Stateline, CA (near Lake Tahoe) [38.958333, -119.943889] *
  • State Line, ID (on the Washington border) [47.705, -117.038056]
  • State Line, IN (on the Illinois border) [39.436944, -87.529444]
  • State Line City, IN (also on the Illinois border) [40.196667, -87.527222]
  • State Line, IN (on the Michigan border) [41.758611, -86.250833]
  • State Line, KY (on the Tennessee border) [36.510833, -89.120278]
  • State Line, MS (on the Alabama border) [31.437778, -88.476111]
  • Stateline, NV (on the California border) [38.970556, -119.945833]
  • State Line, PA (on the Maryland border) [39.725, -78.7675]
  • State Line, PA (also on the Maryland border) [39.7225,-77.724167]
  • State Line, PA (on the New York border) [42.248737, -79.767510]
  • State Line, SC (on the North Carolina border] [35.176667, -81.8]
I have to say, this is not a great monument to nomenclatural creativity. But it is a moderately impressive collection of towns (and unincorporated places).

Now not long ago I was browsing reddit.com (my favorite source of cat pictures) and I found a discussion dealing with cities that are named for the territories they border (the original post had been focused on CALEXICO and MEXICALI -- both named for their border location). I got curious.

How many towns in the US are named for their location on a border?

I started looking, slowly and carefully, at the borders between US states. I started finding towns. It was slightly tedious, but I felt a certain pride in my work.

And then I thought of Wikipedia.

Yeah, it turns out I'm not the first to think about this. For a while I was feeling fairly stupid (even more than usual). However, when I looked a little closer I was delighted to find out that I'd found at least two towns that Wikipedia had overlooked.

That's right world-wide highly respected (and occasionally unfairly derided) universal source of knowledge! I beat you! Me! The guy wasting time on this mind-bogglingly trivial task!

SICK BURN!!!

So anyway, here's my list of sixteen proudly named bordertowns:
  1. Alcan Border AK (Alaska-Yukon border) [62°39'42"N 141°09'40"W]**
  2. Calneva CA (California-Nevada border) [40°09'10"N 120°00'32"W]
  3. Cal-Nev-Ari NV (CA-NV-AZ border) [35°18'12"N 114°52'51"W]
  4. Delmar DE (Delaware-Maryland border) [38°27'23"N 75°34'38"W]
  5. Flomaton AL (Florida-Alabama border) [31°0'32"N 87°15'21"W]
  6. Florala AL (also on the Florida-Alabama border [31°0'28"N 86°19'30"W]
  7. Idavada ID (Idaho-Washington border) [41°59'50"N 114°38'29"W]
  8. Marydel DE (Delaware-Maryland border) [39°06'44"N 75°44'40"W]
  9. Marydel MD (Maryland-Delaware border) [39°06'48"N 75°44'60"W]
  10. Texarkana AR (Arkansas-Texas border) [32°25'59"N 94°01'14"W]
  11. Texarkana TX (Texas-Arkansas border) [33°26'14"N 94°04'03"W]
  12. Texhoma OK (Oklahoma-Texas border) [36°30'16"N 101°47'11"W]
  13. Texhoma TX (Texas-Oklahoma border) [36°29'48"N 101°47'07"W]
  14. Texline TX (Texas-New Mexico border) [36°22'41"N 103°01'23"W]
  15. Ucolo UT (Utah-Colorado border) [37°51'39"N 109°03'53"W]
  16. Wyocolo WY (Wyoming-Colorado border) [41°00'17"N 106°43'30"W]***
I thought I'd also mention two other towns that are located on "internal borders":
  • Inyokern CA (located on the Inyo County-Kern County boundary) [35°35'49"N 117°48'45"W]
  • Lineboro MD (located on the Mason-Dixon line) [39°43'09.84"N 76°50'41.03"W]

All right, now that I've found all these towns, what do they have in common?

With the exception of Texarkana TX, they're all pretty small towns (or unincorparated areas). Again with the exception of Texarkana (and possibly Delmar and the two Marydels), they're usually located in the middle of nowhere. These places are essentially named for the only thing that makes them even mildly interesting (and perhaps economically viable) -- the border.

Does that seem surprising? It shouldn't. There are at least eleven different ways of naming places:

  • Associative (e.g. Mill Creek WA)
  • Commemorative (e.g. Houston TX)
  • Descriptive (e.g. Rocky Mountains)
  • Error (e.g. West Indies)
  • Folk Etymology (e.g. Picketwire River CO from the French "Purgatoire" )
  • Incident (e.g. Battle Creek MI)
  • Made-Up (e.g. Truth or Consequences NM)
  • Possessive (e.g. Pittsburgh PA)
  • Praising (e.g. Paradise CA)
  • Relocated (e.g. Cairo IL)
  • Unknown/Miscellaneous (e.g. Oregon)

Naming your town for its only interesting feature is actually pretty reasonable. And I say this as someone who has lived for many years in a place called "La Mesa" -- literally "the table" (because it's a raised flat surface****).

Bordertowns have a kind of mystique -- there have been at least six movies and televisions series called "Bordertown." Authors, from Thomas the Rhymer (1220 – 1298) to Lord Dunsany (Edward John Moreton Drax Plunkett, 1878–1957) to Terri Windling (1958-) have written of the dangers and delights of the borders of Elfland.

I'm fairly certain none of these towns border Elfland. But they may have cheaper gas or lower sales taxes or more liberal liquor laws. And that can constitute a kind of mild delight.

Notes


* Abandoned.

** Also known as Port Alcan. And it's worth noting that this is very like "Calexico," as mentioned above -- a name based on the border of a state and another country. Oh, and one more thing -- NOT ON WIKIPEDIA!! I FOUND IT ALL BY MYSELF!!!

*** NOT ON WIKIPEDIA!! I FOUND IT ALL BY MYSELF!!! Also "Wycolo" and "Wyocolo" seem to be the same place.

**** Technically it's an uplifted marine terrace, typical of an emergent coast (and in the case of Southern California, a tectonically active region).


References


10 Types of Toponyms: Online: http://www.murrieta.k12.ca.us/cms/lib5/CA01000508/Centricity/Domain/1814/toponym%20assignment2012.pdf

Ashley, Leonard R.N.  Folk Etymology in the Place Names of the United States. Online: https://www.scribd.com/document/74618230/69-Folk-Etymology-in-the-Place-Names-of-the-United-States

Hannigan, Chris. 2011. Quirky Border Towns of North America. Online: http://googlesightseeing.com/2011/08/quirky-border-towns-of-north-america/

Howard, Marvin ElRoy. 1996. "See ye na yon narrow road?" The search for Elfland in folklore of the Scottish border. MA Thesis, University of Iowa. Online: http://lib.dr.iastate.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=17192&context=rtd

Primm, Nevada. Online: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primm,_Nevada

Thompson, Gary. 1996. Primm newest prime property. Las Vegas Sun, December 4, 1996. Online:
https://lasvegassun.com/news/1996/dec/04/primm-newest-prime-property/


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Wednesday, February 8, 2017

But you never gave me a goat

"The Return of the Prodigal Son," Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn (1606-1669).
Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parable_of_the_Prodigal_Son
"Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a goat, that I might make merry with my friends"
Luke 15:29-30 (King James Bible)
Well, I'm back.

It's been quite a while, and I want to make it clear I was not lolling around on a beach, or engaging in debauched hijinks in Las Vegas.

No, instead I thought things over very carefully and said to myself, "Hey, I wonder if it would be fun to become horribly sick?"

So I decided to become horribly sick.

I toasted Christmas with Delsym®, I rang in the New Year with NyQuil®, and I began this semester coughing like a victim of tuberculosis and wandering the University looking like one of the living dead.

I'm better now.

I'm not well, you understand. But drugs (POWERFUL DRUGS) are finally bringing me back to the land of the living.

Expect witty postings soon.

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Saturday, November 19, 2016

Not unwatched

Hieronymus Bosh (1450-1516) "The Cure of Folly (Extraction of the Stone of Madness)"
Source: http://www.wga.hu/index1.html

Madness in great ones must not unwatched go.
Hamlet Act III, scene 1
It's sometimes said that English has the largest vocabulary of any language.

It isn't true (or perhaps it kind of is, in a way, sort of, but no, not really), and it isn't actually possible to make that kind of statement:
"The simplest problem is inflection. Do we count 'run,' 'runs' and 'ran' as separate? The next problem is multiple meanings. 'Run' the verb and 'run' the noun: one or two? What about 'run' as in the long run of a play on Broadway? Different enough from a jog around the park for its own entry? Different enough from a run in cricket?

"Are the names of new chemical compounds, which could be virtually infinite, words? What role does mere orthographic convention play? Is 'home run' two words, but 'homerun' (as it's often written) one? What sense does that make?  ... many languages habitually build long words from short ones. German is obvious; it is a trifle to coin a new compound word for a new situation, as mentioned here. Are compounds new words? Is the German Unabhängigkeitserklärung, 'declaration of independence,' one word? It's certainly written that way in German" (Greene 2010).
Even if it doesn't have the largest imaginable vocabulary, English does have its delights. One is a gift for euphemisms.

Some of our best euphemisms are borrowed, of course. For example, "bite the dust" (or at least "lick the dust") is Biblical:
They that dwell in the wilderness shall bow before him; and his enemies shall lick the dust. (Psalms 72:9)
In case you're curious, the earliest known use of the exact phrase "bite the dust" dates back to 1748 in Tobias Smollett’s translation of “The Adventures of Gil Blas of Santillane," and it was made popular in Samuel Butler’s 1898 translation of Homer’s “The Iliad” (Cunard 2010).

But the fact that we've borrowed euphemisms doesn't mean we're not perfectly capable of devising our own. Some fairly recent examples:
  1. "Workforce imbalance correction" [fired]1
  2. "Courtesy call" [rudeness]1
  3. "Collateral damage" [deaths of civilians]1
  4. "Certified pre-owned" [used]1
  5. "Economical with the truth" [lying]1
  6. "Adult beverage" [alcohol]1
  7. "Assumed Room Temperature" [died]2
  8. "Spend More Time With My Family" [quit]2
  9. "Visually challenged" [blind]2
  10. "Normal involuntary attrition" [fired]2
What I'm specifically interested in right now are euphemisms for "stupid." I'm feeling an urgent need for terms or phrases that can be applied to individuals or groups who are spectacularly, willfully  stupid (or are in the process of doing spectacularly, willfully stupid things).

I've wandered the internet. Here are 100 examples I think may prove serviceable:
  1. A couple of eggs shy of a dozen.
  2. A few ants short of a picnic.
  3. A few beers short of a six-pack.
  4. A few bricks short of a load
  5. A few cards short of a deck.
  6. A few clowns short of a circus
  7. A few feathers short of a whole duck
  8. A few fries short of a Happy Meal
  9. A few gallons short of a full tank.
  10. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
  11. A few trucks short of a convoy.
  12. A pepperoni short of a pizza.
  13. About as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
  14. All foam, no beer
  15. An experiment in artificial stupidity
  16. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
  17. As bright as a burnt-out light bulb.
  18. As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
  19. As quick as a tortoise on Prozac.
  20. Away with the fairies
  21. Bright as Alaska in December.
  22. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
  23. Crazy as a betsy bug.
  24. Crazy as a peach-orchard boar.
  25. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
  26. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
  27. Doesn’t have both oars in the water.
  28. Dumb as a corn cob.
  29. Dumb as a stump.
  30. Dumber than a bag of rocks.
  31. Five cans short of a six-pack
  32. Forgot to pay his brain bill
  33. Four quarters short of a dollar
  34. Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons.
  35. Got a brain like a BB in a boxcar
  36. Got a leak in his think-tank.
  37. Hasn't got the sense God gave a goose.
  38. Hasn't got the sense God gave gravel.
  39. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
  40. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
  41. His porch light isn't on.
  42. If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M.
  43. If brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose.
  44. If brains were leather, he wouldn't have enough to saddle a junebug.
  45. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
  46. If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous.
  47. If stupid were a talent, he'd be considered gifted.
  48. If that boy had an idea, it would die of loneliness.
  49. Isn’t firing on all thrusters.
  50. Like a pair of children’s scissors -- bright and colorful, but not too sharp.
  51. Mad as a monkey on a trike
  52. Mind in neutral, mouth in gear.
  53. Mind like a rubber bear trap.
  54. Mind like a steel sieve.
  55. No grain in the silo
  56. Not firing on all cylinders
  57. Not playing with a full deck
  58. Not the brightest light in the harbor.
  59. Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.
  60. Not the sharpest crayon in the box.
  61. Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
  62. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  63. Not the sharpest pencil in the box.
  64. Not tied too tight to the pier.
  65. Nuttier than a fruitcake
  66. Nuttier than a pecan pie
  67. One Fruit Loop shy of a bowl.
  68. One taco short of a combination plate
  69. One turbine short of an airplane.
  70. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
  71. Only got one oar in the water.
  72. Played too much without a helmet.
  73. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  74. Receiver is off the hook
  75. Room temperature IQ.
  76. Running about a quart low.
  77. Running on empty.
  78. Several nuts short of a full pouch
  79. Sharp as a bowling ball.
  80. Smart as bait.
  81. So dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
  82. So dumb, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.
  83. So dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart.
  84. Someone turned the lights out in the penthouse.
  85. Spinning crop circles
  86. Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
  87. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
  88. The cheese has slipped off his cracker.
  89. The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
  90. The elevator's stuck between floors.
  91. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
  92. The switch is stuck in the off position.
  93. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
  94. Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window.
  95. Too much yardage between the goalposts
  96. Two hubcaps short of a Buick.
  97. Useful as a fur-lined sink.
  98. Useful as a screen door on a submarine.
  99. Useful as a wooden frying pan.
  100. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
You'll note that many of these can do double duty -- they can be used to describe someone as stupid or crazy. Or both!

I have a feeling having a portfolio (so to speak) of phrases like these may prove very useful over the next few years.

Notes

1 Van Zanten, Johanna. 2011.
2 Euphemismlist. 2013.

References

Cunard, Corinne. 2010. The origins of "Another one bites the dust." Spotlight. The Daily Bruin, November 20, 2010. Online: https://dailybruin.com/2010/10/15/the_origins_of_another_one_bites_the_dust_/

Euphemismlist. 2013. Terminology Media. Online: http://www.euphemismlist.com/

Greene, Robert Lane. 2010. The Biggest Vocabulary? Johnson. The Economist. Online: http://www.economist.com/blogs/johnson/2010/06/counting_words

Van Zanten, Johanna. 2011. 20 Examples of Great Euphemisms. Boomer Lit Author and Reviewer. Online: https://lynnschneiderbooks.com/2011/12/23/20-examples-of-great-euphemisms/

Miscellaneous Blogs
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060907124005AAnFhKr
http://wordfreaks.tribe.net/thread/4687c659-7d18-4a5a-b47f-0a1047e16279
https://www.yelp.com/topic/oakland-other-ways-to-say-someone-is-crazy
http://onlineslangdictionary.com/thesaurus/words+meaning+crazy,+insane,+weird,+strange+person.html
http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/crazy
https://wanderwisdom.com/travel-destinations/Funny-Southern-Sayings-and-Southern-Expressions
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-are-some-euphemisms-for-being-crazy.htm#didyouknowout
http://drsanity.blogspot.com/2005/01/synonyms-and-idioms-for-crazy.html
http://www.kaitaia.com/jokes/Funny_Lists/Funny_Lists67.htm

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